I promised you that I’d write a more positive weekly article as well, so here it is!

Why DO I get up in the morning? To see what happens next!

Why do you watch the next episode of tv show that you know is going badly? Why do you turn the page and read the next chapter of a book when the one you just finished killed off your favorite character? Humans have a strange fascination with the ugly shit, don’t they? I’m no different.

Yes, things are definitely changing, but if it didn’t we’d all be sitting around complaining about how boring things are. This is not how I thought life would go right now. I’m genuinely not happy and there is much that I worry about on a daily basis. Nothing is certain at the moment. And, to be completely honest, I’ve always been a conservative soul. I enjoy continuity and predictability with maybe a small change or mix up in a regular routine for spice.

This is too much spice for me and it is straining my mental resources to remain calm and find safety.

Yes, I can count my blessings (for they are many). Yes, I am damn lucky and resourceful. The choices we have made as a family have put us in a pretty decent position to ride much of the bullshit out, but…and this is a big BUT…what about the future? What about my children? What about my friends and acquaintances that aren’t so lucky or haven’t made any plans or have simply lost too much? That’s what I start to lose sleep over.

And there are relatively (in the grand scheme) silly things that I stress about. Will I get to take my grandchildren to Disneyland someday? Will my son finish college, get a house, and be rich? Will my other son ever have his orchard? Will we get to dress up with our friends and go to the Renaissance Faire, eat turkey legs, and get drunk in public? Movies? Travel? Eating in a restaurant? Shit…seeing people’s faces?!

What can I do? I can get up in the morning and put my own oxygen mask on so that I’m ready to help when and where I can. I’m done with fearing what might happen and ready to deal with what does. I’m done arguing with people and trying to convince them that my ideas have merit and ready to live my life without their approval. I can’t change what others are doing but I can change my attitude.

That doesn’t mean I approve or love what’s happening. I honestly believe much could be avoided if we did a few things differently, so I’m starting with me. I won’t be hostile to others that choose differently, even when I feel they are trying to force me to choose their way. I won’t blame others for what is happening in my life. I won’t fight “them” or otherwise participate in building up conspiracy theories.

People are going to do what they are going to do. I believe the kinder, the more open, the softer, and more loving to others we each are can make a huge difference. We’re all are making it really hard on each other lately but I know it’s because we’re scared. I’m scared too, but someone has to start going first.

I’m turning the page, or hitting ‘play the next episode’, and watching what happens next.