Wandering with my eyes and heart open, searching for pieces to add to my own personal big picture.

Me And Myself Have Been Arguing A Lot Lately

Yeah…so this day got away from me, and it all started yesterday afternoon.

me and myself
Me. And. My. Shaaadoow.

(insert memory special effect here)

I’m not even sure what happened, what triggered me, or who was the culprit. All I know is that my negative mind went down the rabbit hole of doom pretty quickly and that’s when I started texting people what I really thought about them.

Actually…wait. I do know. I didn’t want to go to the grocery store, but I did. And then the people…man…and then that checker…ugg…and then on I drove home and…

Yeah. I was in a funk.

This morning, against my better judgement, I met a friend for breakfast in the city and then went to Target, and I’m glad I didn’t listen to my judgement because I came home in a much better frame of mind.

Distractions can be a blessing of a reset.

I put my things away, harassed my husband while he worked a moment, got myself a bowl of popcorn and a Coors light and settled into the couch to continue my morning routine where I left off. I read a bit, journaled, meditated, and then finished reading Will by Will Smith with Mark Manson. I’ll tell you all about that delicious book tomorrow.

Today I have two things to share.

First, I found an amazing new blog to read, Voices in My Head: A Blog About Everything and Nothing. Her post Sunny Side Up thrilled me. It was like a far more productive and successful me was out there writing great stuff and now I’m inspired to get my butt in gear…again. Hopefully this time it will stick? We’ll see. Check out her work. I’m enjoying it immensely.

What was the other thing? Hmm…let me see… (thumbs through notes)

Oh yes! Something I made a note to myself about on the drive down to Panera this morning.

“Those moments in my day where I feel like I HAVE to talk to someone. What if I chose not to?”

Instead of listening to podcasts this morning, I just drove in silence with my notebook out. It felt good. About halfway there, I was thinking about the times I get moody and cranky. They are mostly when the house is just too quiet, and my mind is too active. Almost always, I send a few texts. When no one answers immediately, I start to panic. Then I start abusing my closest friends. How dare they all have lives and not have their phone in their hand waiting for the moment I call!?

Yes, I know…you don’t need to explain the problem here.

What got me thinking about it (other than feeling terrible about myself) was a podcast on lengthening meditation time. He said to sit in silence and when you feel like moving, or stopping, or whatever, see if you can set that feeling aside and sit a little longer, then stop.

What if I did the same thing when I feel like I MUST speak to another human NOW?! Instead of picking up my phone or running into my husband’s office and interrupting his workflow, is there something else I can do?

Possibly. Writing, reading, go for a walk, clean something, all might help ease that anxiety.

I’ve been curious what a silent retreat would be like. Why not try one of my own, right here in my house? Practice not reaching for help every time my mind starts saying mean things to me. Instead, I can sit with nasty mean girl and give her a hug, maybe see what the problem really is.

I’m doing it. The next time I feel that…ick…I’m going to tell myself I’m starting a silent retreat immediately. Maybe my mind and I will learn to get along if we’re left alone to face each other.

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3 Comments

  1. Michelle, thank you so much for signing up to follow Voices! And secondly, thank you so much for your positive comment about it in your blog. When I started to read it, I felt as if I was looking in a mirror and reading something I had written myself! I’m looking forward to reading more of your work! Cheers! Best to you!

  2. That makes me happy to hear! I completely understand how rewarding it is to hear that someone appreciates something that one does! 🙂

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