Or “Why I Haven’t Written”

I apologize upfront for the plethora of complaining words you are about to be tortured with, but I did say I was sharing my journey and that means wherever it takes me, not JUST the happy/joy reading journey. This is my story and sometimes I just gotta purge the dark parts so that the light can shine back in.

Ok, my friends, here we go. I’ve been mulling over and putting off sitting down with this laptop all morning. I did get it out and sit down to write…something…but then checked my social media, became distracted, felt like I really should eat something, and then, I don’t even know what I want to say anyway, so I got up and put it away.

While I was eating breakfast (the one I got, not the one I probably should have eaten), I had a flash about what I wanted to say. I finished reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman on Monday morning, and while I wasn’t a huge fan of the book, I did have some t

And it’s gone…dan walked in talking about propane and solar … like I have any idea what he’s talking about. This must be exactly how he feels when I walk in telling him what the cat just did while he’s working.

I cannot focus. It’s impossible.

Goes back and starts over again.

And a text now…

Let’s try this again. I turned the ringer off.

I did have some thoughts on mythology in general and a pretty neat story to tell about a dream I had.

I wrote down a note for myself and went to take a shower, came back only to feel like…what’s the point of any of this? I have at least a thousand things to do. I started reading another book yesterday and I’m so in love with it that I can’t put it down, but I can and do because I can’t focus on anything more than about 45 minutes at a stretch.

And then there’s the housework that needs to be done. The dishes are stacked up, I’m behind on my weekly chores because I was out of town the last two days. Laundry to do. AND the house is in general disarray because we’re remodeling the back bathroom and I haven’t finished repainting the guest room, the one filled with my sons’ extra clothes they didn’t take with them when they moved, along with a bunch of other crap I’m not sure what to do with. Stuff out of place makes my mind feel out of place, and now that it’s only my husband and I living here, it should be easier to downsize, clean up, and keep things in place. But it’s not.

I have a photo album I’m working on, several quilting projects, yard work that needs tending before it gets to0 hot, and I’m making two Viking shields to decorate the post where my driveway meets the road because…people need to see where I live.

Don’t even get me started on making better food choices, getting some exercise, and meditating to relax and put all this angst in its place. Oh…and I need to make plans to see family and friends and with gas prices going up again, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be trapped in this desert all summer with no relief.

And then there’s this blog. What happened? When I told myself that I had to write SOMETHING every day, I did, without trouble really. Sure, they weren’t all brilliant, but they were there. It made me feel good to get that done, see the writing streak grow, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I’m not building anything. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore, or maybe I never did.

So here I sit…still wondering what to do. All these words and I haven’t even gotten to what I came to write about today in the first place.

I have an idea. A restart. Today, I’ll share these thoughts, set my books aside and clean the house up, go to the grocery store, make dinner, and then enjoy my evening. Tomorrow morning, I’ll add “write and post” back into my morning routine. It means more to me than anything else, even if it just goes on forever just the way it is. Letting it go is feeling overwhelming nasty and poisonous in my heart.

See you tomorrow. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. The gods have spoken!