A self awareness exercise is a great way to connect with others, don’t you think? The better I know myself, the better my chances of finding places we intersect.

Yesterday, as I was scrolling through the WordPress Reader wasting time…not really, I was relaxing. It’s so hot and humid, you guys. I’m just not used to this. What happened to my dry desert heat?!

…sigh… Acceptance of what is. Complaining doesn’t help. Reframing thoughts.

Since it’s so hot outside, I spend a lot more time indoors drinking large glasses of ice water and reading, both books and other blogs. That’s when I found My Rollercoaster Journey’s post about Self-Awareness Questions. Reading their answers and becoming inspired, I started to think… Maybe it would be fun to write my answers and link back!

And here I am!

It looks like these questions came in a newsletter from Social Self, a company founded by David Morin to improve mental health and relationships. I don’t know much about it, but it looks interesting. Always good to find new input. And it seems everyone around me is struggling with the same problems lately, searching for answers to life.

I’m on that journey as well. The more I look around me, the more I see how much awesomeness there is in this world, and how little I have appreciated it in the past. I’ve had bouts of awareness and clarity, but my inner peace has always been generally shaky. I’m learning and growing every day, though, eager to share what I’ve found with anyone that will listen, much to my immediate family’s dismay. Sorry guys! I love you!

So, without further delay, here are MY answers:

What am I really proud of in my life?

My life’s work, aka my family. I chose to focus on being a mom and wife above everything else, and I would not change that for the world. For my efforts, I have two sons and stepdaughter out in the world making their own way. Hopefully, we gave them a head start in this world. I like to think we have, because they seem like pretty awesome people on every level.

What would I like to go back in time and change?

That old question. It’s hard because, like they say, your past is what made you who you are today. There is one thing I regret most in my past and that was how I dealt with my stepdaughter. Our relationship was strained from the get-go, and I was not the person I wanted to be. I would do everything differently, knowing myself the way I do now.

What made me happy as a child, and would that make me happy now?

Holidays made me happy. Big parties with aunts and uncles, cousins, people that were our relatives, but I wasn’t sure how. What is your mother’s cousin’s kid to you?! Sometimes I only saw these people a few times a year. And I didn’t realize back then that it wouldn’t always be this way. All day parties that start early with some of us cooking in the wee hours of the morning, breakfast casseroles made the night before, people that stay all day, and others that come for a few hours.  Food, kids, and chaos everywhere.

That’s what would make me happy now. It all ended long BCB (before covid bullshit). Families grow apart, I’m told. How can I start it all up again?

What word would I most like others to use to describe me?

Happy and curious. That’s how I feel most of the time, but I’m afraid it doesn’t show up in the nice ways I hope that it would.

What word would I be most unhappy about others using to describe me?

Judgmental and overthinking. I know I have a tendency to judge others and I’m working on it very hard. And I’m introspective, I tend to think about things other people don’t notice. It bothers some people and that makes me sad.

What is my most unconventional/unpopular opinion, and why do I hold it?

I think public education (in general) is a load of bullshit that we accept as a necessary evil. Why do I hold it? Because I hated every single day of school, so did my husband. My stepdaughter had to attend school at her mother’s insistence, and it was soul crushing to watch. Most people I have talked to as my kids grew up without school only commented that “We suffered through it and lived, why shouldn’t our kids?” I think this is a sadistic answer and I refuse to participate. Our sons were raised without school at all, and they are fine, upstanding men without the twelve wasted years and emotional damage.

Yeah. Strong opinions there.

What would I change about myself if I could?

I recently found a description for my problem. I’m “love blind.”

In the same way that some people cannot tell the difference between red/orange or blue/green and have to find a person they trust to tell them that their socks don’t match, I have a very hard time seeing that people truly love me, that I’m needed and appreciated, and need people I trust to tell me that I’m not being left behind. How do you find people that you trust when you can’t see that you are loved?

Before you cry for me, I’ve found a key that does help. I’ve started to learn to love and trust myself first. That has begun to open so many doors, but please, wave a magic wand and make me see it easier. Or at least go back in time and help me see the issue more clearly earlier and give me people I can trust to guide me in the right direction.

What wouldn’t I change about myself under any circumstances?

My enthusiasm for life. I’m naturally excitable. That means that same tendency to scream, “Oh my GOURD! I can’t take it anymore! What is wrong with you and me?!” Is the same one that makes me run in circles and exclaim the virtues of the prairie dogs I see in the field or the brand-new flavor of cereal that I’m fanatically in love with this week.

What couldn’t I change about myself and still be ‘me’?

My love/hate of people in general. Spend some time with me and you’ll see, my rollercoaster relationship with world around me is…well… Have you ever been to a Six Flags park? One day I’m inventing new ways to serve mankind, help those around me grow, expand the world around me, and then I’m planning on how serve mankind up for a dinner to whatever ravenous beast I can find.

I’m not sure why. A close friend once said that she thinks it’s because I have such high expectations of people. I see what they could be, what we could do together and become, but then they fail those expectations, and I just can’t get over the disappointment. They aren’t even trying!

I’d love to tame that rollercoaster and make it more family friendly. Then maybe I’d still be “me” without so much drama.

What values are most important to me?

Honesty. Love. Trust.
I think they all go together. Can’t have one without the other and they make the world a far better place while we’re here.

So, there you go. Do you know me any better? Are you afraid?

Thanks, My Rollercoaster Journey, for sharing your answers with the world. I’m glad to have met you this way.