Lost… in my active imagination

Two-thirds of the way through Lost by Gregory Maquire, my imagination is on fire, and I’m wondering… What in the hell?!

roadrunner imagination photo
What’s in this roadrunner’s imagination?
The world’s most perfect food!

Oh, she doesn’t like it! Sadness.

No, I love it, I’m just not sure why, and dammit… there better be a wrap up of all this.

I’m going to keep it short today because my mom is here visiting this week, my mind is occupied elsewhere. This past weekend’s bout with depression and anxiety is still abating. Feels like a cat fight in the back of my mind, or… Are you a Star Trek-Next Generation fan? Remember Data’s “brother” Lore? I feel like I have an alter-ego, that part of myself that sees all the negative and sets itself up in defense, ready to hurt them before they hurt me, stay ahead of the pack. She sneaks up and whispers in my ear, “You suck and everyone around you knows that, and you’re not hiding anything from anyone.” Another of her favorites is, “You don’t deserve any of this and your whole life is a lie.”

…sigh…

She’s really mean and sometimes it’s all I can do not to believe her.

A line from Lost this morning caught my attention. Winnie is clearly following the White Rabbit in this story. Everything is topsy turvy, and it seems the crazy train is picking up speed. I think I know where she’s headed, and who she really is, but do I? And then she says this.

“Imagination could be partly intuition.”

Yeah… I don’t think so. I’m not sure that intuition is a good thing to trust, anyway. At least, it isn’t for me. My imagination is terrifying. My intuition is Lore’s voice. My reasonable, more logical brain is buried deep beneath years of wagon ruts cut deep in packed down dirt.

Our minds are story makers, and stories can be true, but rarely are. If she believes her imagination could be partly intuition, she could make anything she thinks she sees into something it very much is not. I mean, maybe use it on purpose? Sure, set out those first ideas, take a good look at them, but don’t act. Then take more time to sit down and intentionally create more and see which ones get you closer to where you really want to go.

I feel like she’s writing a novel in her mind and then making it her reality. Everyone else is not seeing what she’s making everything that’s happening mean.

The really weird part is that I know that feeling, and I can see the looks of the people around me, especially my mom’s. What I share as my experience and feelings, when I’m completely honest, doesn’t always match up with what other people are seeing. But then I wonder… Who’s right? Probably no one.

Like Rebecca Ore writes over and over again, “Our thoughts create our emotions.” An active imagination can create a pretty wild emotional roller coaster. It can be fun when channeled into an art, but not so much when you’re trying your best to live with other, more stable (less imaginative), human beings.

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