Wandering with my eyes and heart open, searching for pieces to add to my own personal big picture.

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A Little Self Awareness Exercise

A self awareness exercise is a great way to connect with others, don’t you think? The better I know myself, the better my chances of finding places we intersect.

Yesterday, as I was scrolling through the WordPress Reader wasting time…not really, I was relaxing. It’s so hot and humid, you guys. I’m just not used to this. What happened to my dry desert heat?!

self awareness
Self Awareness Tip: I have found it isn’t HEAT that bothers me, it’s HUMIDITY.
This is out my back porch yesterday afternoon.

…sigh… Acceptance of what is. Complaining doesn’t help. Reframing thoughts.

Since it’s so hot outside, I spend a lot more time indoors drinking large glasses of ice water and reading, both books and other blogs. That’s when I found My Rollercoaster Journey’s post about Self-Awareness Questions. Reading their answers and becoming inspired, I started to think… Maybe it would be fun to write my answers and link back!

And here I am!

It looks like these questions came in a newsletter from Social Self, a company founded by David Morin to improve mental health and relationships. I don’t know much about it, but it looks interesting. Always good to find new input. And it seems everyone around me is struggling with the same problems lately, searching for answers to life.

I’m on that journey as well. The more I look around me, the more I see how much awesomeness there is in this world, and how little I have appreciated it in the past. I’ve had bouts of awareness and clarity, but my inner peace has always been generally shaky. I’m learning and growing every day, though, eager to share what I’ve found with anyone that will listen, much to my immediate family’s dismay. Sorry guys! I love you!

So, without further delay, here are MY answers:

What am I really proud of in my life?

My life’s work, aka my family. I chose to focus on being a mom and wife above everything else, and I would not change that for the world. For my efforts, I have two sons and stepdaughter out in the world making their own way. Hopefully, we gave them a head start in this world. I like to think we have, because they seem like pretty awesome people on every level.

What would I like to go back in time and change?

That old question. It’s hard because, like they say, your past is what made you who you are today. There is one thing I regret most in my past and that was how I dealt with my stepdaughter. Our relationship was strained from the get-go, and I was not the person I wanted to be. I would do everything differently, knowing myself the way I do now.

What made me happy as a child, and would that make me happy now?

Holidays made me happy. Big parties with aunts and uncles, cousins, people that were our relatives, but I wasn’t sure how. What is your mother’s cousin’s kid to you?! Sometimes I only saw these people a few times a year. And I didn’t realize back then that it wouldn’t always be this way. All day parties that start early with some of us cooking in the wee hours of the morning, breakfast casseroles made the night before, people that stay all day, and others that come for a few hours.  Food, kids, and chaos everywhere.

That’s what would make me happy now. It all ended long BCB (before covid bullshit). Families grow apart, I’m told. How can I start it all up again?

What word would I most like others to use to describe me?

Happy and curious. That’s how I feel most of the time, but I’m afraid it doesn’t show up in the nice ways I hope that it would.

What word would I be most unhappy about others using to describe me?

Judgmental and overthinking. I know I have a tendency to judge others and I’m working on it very hard. And I’m introspective, I tend to think about things other people don’t notice. It bothers some people and that makes me sad.

What is my most unconventional/unpopular opinion, and why do I hold it?

I think public education (in general) is a load of bullshit that we accept as a necessary evil. Why do I hold it? Because I hated every single day of school, so did my husband. My stepdaughter had to attend school at her mother’s insistence, and it was soul crushing to watch. Most people I have talked to as my kids grew up without school only commented that “We suffered through it and lived, why shouldn’t our kids?” I think this is a sadistic answer and I refuse to participate. Our sons were raised without school at all, and they are fine, upstanding men without the twelve wasted years and emotional damage.

Yeah. Strong opinions there.

What would I change about myself if I could?

I recently found a description for my problem. I’m “love blind.”

In the same way that some people cannot tell the difference between red/orange or blue/green and have to find a person they trust to tell them that their socks don’t match, I have a very hard time seeing that people truly love me, that I’m needed and appreciated, and need people I trust to tell me that I’m not being left behind. How do you find people that you trust when you can’t see that you are loved?

Before you cry for me, I’ve found a key that does help. I’ve started to learn to love and trust myself first. That has begun to open so many doors, but please, wave a magic wand and make me see it easier. Or at least go back in time and help me see the issue more clearly earlier and give me people I can trust to guide me in the right direction.

What wouldn’t I change about myself under any circumstances?

My enthusiasm for life. I’m naturally excitable. That means that same tendency to scream, “Oh my GOURD! I can’t take it anymore! What is wrong with you and me?!” Is the same one that makes me run in circles and exclaim the virtues of the prairie dogs I see in the field or the brand-new flavor of cereal that I’m fanatically in love with this week.

What couldn’t I change about myself and still be ‘me’?

My love/hate of people in general. Spend some time with me and you’ll see, my rollercoaster relationship with world around me is…well… Have you ever been to a Six Flags park? One day I’m inventing new ways to serve mankind, help those around me grow, expand the world around me, and then I’m planning on how serve mankind up for a dinner to whatever ravenous beast I can find.

I’m not sure why. A close friend once said that she thinks it’s because I have such high expectations of people. I see what they could be, what we could do together and become, but then they fail those expectations, and I just can’t get over the disappointment. They aren’t even trying!

I’d love to tame that rollercoaster and make it more family friendly. Then maybe I’d still be “me” without so much drama.

What values are most important to me?

Honesty. Love. Trust.
I think they all go together. Can’t have one without the other and they make the world a far better place while we’re here.

So, there you go. Do you know me any better? Are you afraid?

Thanks, My Rollercoaster Journey, for sharing your answers with the world. I’m glad to have met you this way.

Considering…

I’ve been gone a whole month and I have no idea how that happened. I swear that we skipped June. Over the last week I’ve had a thought or two I wanted to share, and now I’m considering a comeback.

But what to post? And how often? I’m not sure just yet.

I think…starting tomorrow…I’ll start small. A post shared from my phone, a quote from the book I’m reading and maybe a sentence or two about why I’m sharing it.

In June, I stopped writing all together, but by the first of July, I was sweating, and not just because summer has arrived in the desert in all its glory. I miss writing. So I started up again, added it back into my morning routine in a new way.

And it all started when I found this in my Instagram feed:

Thanks to her, I’ve been having a blast writing in directions I never knew I could! I’ll be sharing some of my favorite pieces next month as I edit and polish them up for you…I know! Me! Editing and polishing, not just barfing up whatever comes to mind and hitting “publish!”

I hope you are having an “bitchin’ summer” so far. Have you read anything awesome? Added to your TBR pile? Gone on any grand adventures? I’ll be scouring the blog feeds like mad to catch up!

Much Needed Spiritual Maintenance

Just in case anyone is wondering…

spiritual maintenance

Maybe you have been following my posts, or maybe you just wandered in, and you’re wondering… Has she given up? Will she be posting again? Is she dead somewhere?

I’m not dead, maybe just badly injured (added for dramatic effect).

Instead of making myself crazy, I’m taking a break and focusing elsewhere for awhile. I’m not posting to Instagram either, but I am continuing to share things publicly to Facebook, so you’re welcome to follow me there.

I’m not sure when I’ll start writing and sharing posts here again. We’ll see which way the wind blows. Thanks for reading!

Are Manners in Online Groups Passé?

So my Dad sent me this the other day and it came just after I had taken my first look around a nonfiction readers group on Facebook I had just found and, man, did it resonate. It got me wondering… Are manners in online groups a thing of the past?

manners in online groups
I’m linking to the poster’s IG profile because I don’t have Twitter.

My dad is right, it applies to just about everything. I’ve had a thought stirring around in my head ever since I’ve decided I should set it all out in words and share it here to see what you guys think.

I’ve been known to be a bit…sensitive and reactionary, and that can get me into trouble. Lately, I’ve been practicing a bit of peace and reminding myself that just because it hurts my feelings, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And just because some people are a bit insensitive, doesn’t mean they hate me.

An even shorter version might read, “It’s not all about you, Michelle. Take it easy.”

What happened? Sarcasm and judgement.

Like I said yesterday, I’ve decided that in-person book clubs aren’t a “Hell, yes!” for me right now, so I’ve quit looking for one. But I do like to talk about books, and I’d really like to get more recommendations that aren’t directly related to what I’m already reading, so I kept looking for places to go.

That’s when the Facebook group came up. I haven’t joined any of those in a while because no matter what the subject, they can get so dang hostile so quickly. Yikes-aroni, people! Do you act like that in person?!

And then the first time I opened this group page after joining, I found people’s “laugh react” and sarcastic comments regarding other member’s reading choices rather discouraging. Should I post what I’m reading? What if they get hostile about that? How will I respond?

I know a lot of you are thinking, “Who cares what they think?!” I’m sorry, I do. Would you walk into a party knowing that the people around you most likely will call you an idiot for what you’re wearing or your choice in partner?

But that leads me to manners, and back to the post my dad shared with me. That’s what seems to be missing in the world lately. What happened to “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all?”

What I’d love to ask the group is, “If you were in a library, a bookstore, or a reader’s group in person, would you talk to people this way?” Say you’re walking through the bookstore, and you see a person reading over the back cover of a book you don’t agree with. Would you turn to chastise them about considering what it has to say or just keep walking?

If you were at a book club meeting and someone suggested a book for the following month that you weren’t politically aligned with. Would you smirk and laugh at them, and ask why kind of an idiot reads that kind of crap, or kindly suggest something else?

I thought the point of reading books was to learn other people’s points of view, other ideas. And here I am, in a “serious nonfiction readers” group, hearing people publicly ridicule another’s choice of reading.

It’s more than discouraging. We all have our own tastes, our own likes and dislikes. We all have our own reasons for what we do. It has nothing to do with you, so why do you need to be disparaging to others? When I see things that I don’t like, I simply scroll on by. It’s not for me.

…sigh…

It’s things like this that make me sad. It’s why I’m not all that keen on meeting people in person these days. And I so want to be among people. The whole idea of sharing thoughts and ideas in real time, face to face, sounds so wonderful, but I’m afraid it’s only a fantasy.

Jealousy Abated

Jealousy crept in this weekend but a little gratitude, awareness, and Lau-Tzu reminded me I am exactly where I need to be.

I felt a little jealous this weekend. It seemed everyone was off doing all the fun things I used to love to do without me. I didn’t want to do them. I had things of my own to do right here, but nostalgia set in, and I began to imagine what life would be like if things were different, if I had made different choices.

…record scratch…

Screw that! I took a long look around me: my books, my craft room of supplies, and my open desert sky. I asked for a long hug from my husband. Yeah…I’m right where I need to be.

This morning, in Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zin, I read this:

“Ordinary men hate solitude.
But the Master makes use of it,
embracing his aloneness, realizing
he is one with the whole universe.”
LAU-TZU, Tao-te-Ching

My sons texted me a picture of the concert they were at. A friend texted me some pictures of the Star Wars convention. I logged into Facebook and found other friends at various events and at home, sharing the joy they are experiencing around them. And I experienced that joy right along side them.

I may be alone, not completely in the physical sense, as my husband is always nearby, but spiritually, I’m not either. I am the whole universe at once. Thanks to technology, I can not only feel it, but I can also see it.

Short post this morning, as I’m heading into the city early for a breakfast date, and then a lunch date, maybe even visit with another friend on the way home. Maximizing the efficiency of the gas milage! You know that means I may have some words about podcasts to share with you tomorrow, right?

As to books, I haven’t started a new one yet. I’m reading my issue of Asimov’s Science Fiction right now. I’m enjoying the short stories, but I’m not sure I’ll subscribe. More words on that later.

Communication: Lost in Translation

Translation isn’t only words and images, their definitions and use in other languages. It’s cultural background and human experience.

This morning, just before my meditation, I read this:

“As best we can, we show others what we have seen up to now. It’s at best a progress report, a map of our experiences, by no means the absolute truth.”

Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

It sums up exactly the reason that I write and post here, and what I share on my social media feeds. My intent is not always understood. I feel that I’m frequently misunderstood. And only recently have I discovered that it’s not entirely my fault or even necessarily important.

As usual, I have a lot on my mind and I’m searching for a way to communicate it. The more I live, read, and think, the more I’m convinced that the closer and more interconnected this world gets, the more complicated communication becomes.

Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

But Michelle! Isn’t it awesome that we can all instantly speak to each other, no matter where we are in the world? Isn’t it a great thing that anyone can (in many ways) freely produce and distribute any work they can come up with?

Yes, it is. But…

translation
“Everyone I know has a big but.” – Pee Wee Herman

Communicating an idea is not simply speaking/writing a word in a particular language, or even sharing an image. Each of us brings our own experience to whatever we see and hear, we translate it through our own filter. And each of us also uses those experiences when we communicate with others.

No matter what translation tool we use, it’s not as simple as the definition of each word or image.

Well, sure, Michelle, of course!

The trouble I’m seeing is that we all believe we are speaking the same language, but we are not. It used to be so easy when we all grew up watching the same tv shows, hearing the same music, speaking the same language. We had the same cultural background, so there was no need to define and discuss every use of every word.

Today, that is not true, even when I’m speaking with a neighbor. Our world has become so connected and fragmented at the same time that it’s almost impossible to communicate with one another without a lot of time, effort, and patience, something we all seem to be running very short on.

Before you go crazy and think that I want to go back in time and change everything back the way it was, relax a little. I’m only saying that I’m struggling to communicate with the world, and watching others struggle to communicate and not kill each other is, not a little, frustrating, not mention heart wrenching at times.

Listening to a podcast earlier this week about the basis of human emotion, where they come from, and how we express them, the interviewer asked, (I’m paraphrasing) “What would you say the best way to know what someone is feeling or thinking is, from a scientific perspective?” She answered, “Ask them.”

I laughed when I heard that and added in my head, “And hope they are aware enough to know what they really mean and capable of expressing it.”

I’m not the first or only person in the world to struggle with communication, and certainly not the smartest either. But I’m sitting here thinking I’m sure the invention of the internet (like the printing press) will eventually lead humanity to a higher plane of existence, but hopefully (much like the printing press caused so many battles at first) we won’t destroy ourselves completely in the process.

My next reading, On Disobedience by Erich Fromm, is unexpectedly making me feel a bit optimistic for the future. I’ll tell you about that tomorrow!

No Good or Evil: Bear With Me a Bit

There is no good or evil, there is only cause and effect.

This is the sentence that keeps rolling around in my head the last 24 hours or so.

Evil did not cause whatever happened, some previous action did. We can, in many instances, look back and see what caused what to happen, and possibly avoid doing it again, but we don’t seem to do it often enough. There are also events of which we cannot find the cause, either because we don’t have the tools yet or the connections are simply too complex, but they are there. It was not magic, fate, or some other supernatural cause.

I’m still reading Disneyanity and I had a thought…I know…weird.

Must we let fantasy movies, and all movies are generally fantasy, replace religious belief? Must humans constantly create fantastical reasons to make sense of what has happened, or utopian visions of the future, where if only we do this or that, the whole world would be perfect?

There are times when I want so badly to embrace fantasy and hope. I watch movies, listen to music, and read books that entice me to embrace these ideas. How awesome would it be if the love songs were true? What if we could enact some policy or law that changed the world and made everyone happy, healthy, and whole? What if there was a benevolent being that was watching over things, guiding them this way and that with the intention of leading humanity to a bright and wonderful future?

good and evil
The sun rises, further north and then back to the south again.
Natural cycles remind me that things change.

But at heart, I’m a realist. These ideas fail me. When my mind goes there, when I turn the old country music romance songs on for too long, when I throw myself into joyful fantasy movies, obsessively turn the pages of a utopian novel, I find my heart broken when I follow them to their natural conclusions.

Romances end and reality sets in, life costs money, children need to be raised, and you don’t always feel that hot and sexy love for the person you made them with.

The hero doesn’t always win against all odds. The villain has reasons he his hurting others and causing harm and you may have had something to do with it. I can’t just wish my way to a better world.

And each law you create helps one person and hurts another, each policy your government enacts solves one need and creates another.

I know, I probably sound negative and hopeless, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. Having my feet firmly grounded, accepting that good and bad things happen to everyone and we can’t know which is which in the long run, keeping it right in front of me that we all will die no matter what we do, and embracing the fact that humans are simply another (yet extremely creative) animal, another piece of an amazingly intricate puzzle, is what makes me feel like I can take on the world.

These are the tenants that bring me peace…sometimes.

It reminds me of Mark Manson’s book, Everything is Fucked: A Book About Hope. Yikes-a-roni, I looked back and found that I read that book three years ago this week! Thumbing through the book to see if I could find a quick bite to share here…yeah…no. That book pissed me off and made me think. It’s simple and complex, and filled with some incredibly helpful ideas. My advice, give it a chance. You won’t regret it.

Realism is complicated. Can we even know what real is? Is there a “real” that is the reality for everyone at all times? I don’t think so.

I don’t have the answers. Every day on this planet only brings me more questions. But like Cinderella says, “They can’t order me to stop dreaming. And perhaps, someday, the dreams that I wish will come true.” In the meantime, I’ll keep a smile, accept what comes to me, move gently toward what I believe I want, let others do the same, assume positive intentions of others, and live as kindly as I can until the day I eventually die.

And when I do die, just like the attitude a try to keep today, I won’t be looking back wishing I had done something different and created a different outcome. I’ll be looking forward and wondering what comes next.

The Tao of…Me

What is Tao? My understanding comes only from my initial reading of The Tao of Pooh, so it’s pretty limited, but Wikipedia says, “Tao is the natural order of the universe whose character one’s intuition must discern to realize the potential for individual wisdom, as conceived in the context of East Asian philosophy, East Asian religions, or any other philosophy or religion that aligns to this principle. This intuitive knowing of life cannot be grasped as a concept. Rather, it is known through actual living experience of one’s everyday being. Its name, Tao, came from Chinese, where it signifies the way, path, route, road, or sometimes more loosely doctrine, principle, or holistic belief.”

I can be translated as “The Way” and I find it fascinating.

Yesterday’s epic adventure was unexpected, but highly satisfying. It started with a simple breakfast date and Target run but ended up with seeing my boys again, experiencing a bit of engine trouble (no worries, we got this), and getting home FAR later than expected. That last part, the driving home in the dark part, needs to not happen again until I get new glasses. Yikes!

The best part was…

Wait for it…

I have found my purpose!

Let me tell the story. Short version? Sure.

My son needed me, and I was available. That’s it. As we sat there in their kitchen eating burritos we’d picked up across the street, I told them, “I found my purpose.” My oldest chimes in, “Your Tao?”

Hmm…yes! I’ve been wondering for years, maybe my whole life, floating from one thing to the next, not really seeing the big picture. But yesterday, when my son called and I offered to come down and lend moral support, all the pieces fell into place.

I’m the friend that hosts the party. I’m the one that calls and texts to ask what you’re up to and if you’d like to meet for lunch or a hike. I’m the one that picks up the phone when you call and drops everything to make some cookies and visit. I’m here.

My youngest son says, “You’re Pooh, mom. You visit.”

I sighed and smiled. I guess I am. My copy of The Tao of Pooh that they had borrowed was sitting on the table nearby. They’d been reading it.

You’d think that wouldn’t be much of a purpose, but it is. It’s very important. And from now on, instead of grumbling that I have no real mission in this existence when I’m at home alone reading a book or working in the yard, I’ll sit back and realize that I’m resting between projects. At any moment, I may be called into action.

And what about this blog? Is it part of my purpose?

Yes. Listening to The Knowledge Project podcast on the way down to my breakfast date (which is a regular thing I very much look forward to), I heard Sarah Jones Simmer interviewed. I had such a plethora of notes on this podcast, but there were three that stood out to me as somehow connected. Before I went inside, I took a moment to capture the idea with some added commentary.

Note #1 “Just because you question things, doesn’t mean you have the answers or think you know better than others.”

I’ve withheld my thoughts, limited what I write here, because I don’t have the answers, but I question things. Curiosity and questioning (contrary to popular opinion right now) is a good thing. Gender identity, politics, war, public education, Covid…the list goes on and on, I have questions and concerns. Asking out loud things like, “Why are we doing this?” “Is this right?” “What will be the outcome of this kind of thinking?” “Is there some other way?” is not a subversive or malicious activity. The day we all just go along with everything that is happening around us and NOT question it, is the day we begin to lose everything.

New slogan: “Questions and curiosity are not a crime!”

Note #2 “Let’s not let the craziest and loudest of us take over all the conversation in the world. Keep speaking your thoughts and quit hiding your light.”

It’s terrifying to speak your mind (especially online) these days and more of us (including myself) need to start facing our fears. We cannot let the lunatics run this asylum.

Another podcast I was listening to last week mentioned “fringe ideas” and related them to garage bands. 99.99% of garage bands suck, but garage bands are where the great new music comes from. It’s the same with ideas. If we ban them, silence voices because we disagree, shut down people we don’t like, we miss discovering the .01% that results in awesome innovation. We need to allow people to speak their minds, throw ideas around, and be crazy, but we also need to know most of those ideas won’t work, they may even be really bad ideas, but if we ban them, ban books, ban speech, ban blogs, we end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

I speak/write from a place of curiosity, empathy for others, and with positive intent to understand and respect others. Yes, sometimes I’ll hurt feelings, make someone mad, or even make a mistake in judgement. I am still a good person, and so are you.

Note #3 “Do I have coaches? Coaches help you arrive at your own decisions and create a safe space to talk thoughts and ideas out.”

If coaches can be books, magazines, blogs, and podcasts, yes, I do. For me, this blog counts as a relatively safe space to talk out some ideas. And I have a few very close friends and family that I can bounce ideas around with face to face and they mean the world to me.

These ideas are in no way fully formed, but they led me closer to understanding my Tao, my own personal way of taking up space in this world. So, even though things did not go as I had expected them to yesterday, it ended up being a very productive day and all because my son needed me.

Before I get the look from people about kids becoming adults… He didn’t call me because he isn’t smart, mature, or capable of taking care of himself, but because together is always better than alone. Interdependence is what works best. Community is more efficient. But that’s a whole other blog post.

Today I’m relaxing in the peaceful quiet of home and reading more of Disneyanity by Douglas Brode. I may even watch a Disney movie!

Week END? And a New Word!

I learned a new word today while reading a story in American Short Fiction magazine.

“escribitionist”
(Microsoft Word says it’s not a word, but oh…yes it is…)
:a person who keeps a diary or journal via electronic means, and in particular, publishes their entries on the world wide web.

The word was coined before weblogs.

I love it when I read a cool word and think, “Wow that just rolls around in head perfectly. I wonder what it means!” Then I look it up and find out it describes me or something I love to do. And then the whole world settles into place around me, and I think, “I’m not alone.”

Yeah…that happened today.

Chose that picture from Unsplash just because I LOVED the words! Do it!

AND
Happy Sunday, everyone!

At first, I was going to encourage you to get a rest day, or something like “restart the week” kind of message but then I thought, “Why today?” The workweek, I suppose, makes us think that the week starts on Monday, ends on Friday, with a cute little rest period we call Saturday and Sunday.

Since I homeschooled my kids and we never had a curriculum, lesson plan, semesters, or, well…anything school system related really, I had already begun to lose the sense of weekly cycles. My husband has worked from home so long that I barely notice that it’s the weekend at all, but he does because he’s free to work on whatever project HE decides on those days.

And now that the kids have moved out, and I’m essentially “retired,” things have changed again.

I do sense the week is passing. Monday is my cleaning day, my most productive. Wednesday I usually go meet friends. Friday is my neighborhood potluck and shooting pool on my porch. But there is no weekly start and end.

I just now realized that it’s all made up, a definition only needed in the industrial age of working at a factory or office. And schools are only more of the same, a training ground for that kind of work.

Hmm…interesting.

Reminds me of that scene in the first season of Downton Abbey when she asks, “What is a week end?”

A “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” Kind of Story

Or “Why I Haven’t Written”

I apologize upfront for the plethora of complaining words you are about to be tortured with, but I did say I was sharing my journey and that means wherever it takes me, not JUST the happy/joy reading journey. This is my story and sometimes I just gotta purge the dark parts so that the light can shine back in.

story
Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash

Ok, my friends, here we go. I’ve been mulling over and putting off sitting down with this laptop all morning. I did get it out and sit down to write…something…but then checked my social media, became distracted, felt like I really should eat something, and then, I don’t even know what I want to say anyway, so I got up and put it away.

While I was eating breakfast (the one I got, not the one I probably should have eaten), I had a flash about what I wanted to say. I finished reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman on Monday morning, and while I wasn’t a huge fan of the book, I did have some t

And it’s gone…dan walked in talking about propane and solar … like I have any idea what he’s talking about. This must be exactly how he feels when I walk in telling him what the cat just did while he’s working.

I cannot focus. It’s impossible.

Goes back and starts over again.

And a text now…

Let’s try this again. I turned the ringer off.

I did have some thoughts on mythology in general and a pretty neat story to tell about a dream I had.

I wrote down a note for myself and went to take a shower, came back only to feel like…what’s the point of any of this? I have at least a thousand things to do. I started reading another book yesterday and I’m so in love with it that I can’t put it down, but I can and do because I can’t focus on anything more than about 45 minutes at a stretch.

And then there’s the housework that needs to be done. The dishes are stacked up, I’m behind on my weekly chores because I was out of town the last two days. Laundry to do. AND the house is in general disarray because we’re remodeling the back bathroom and I haven’t finished repainting the guest room, the one filled with my sons’ extra clothes they didn’t take with them when they moved, along with a bunch of other crap I’m not sure what to do with. Stuff out of place makes my mind feel out of place, and now that it’s only my husband and I living here, it should be easier to downsize, clean up, and keep things in place. But it’s not.

I have a photo album I’m working on, several quilting projects, yard work that needs tending before it gets to0 hot, and I’m making two Viking shields to decorate the post where my driveway meets the road because…people need to see where I live.

Don’t even get me started on making better food choices, getting some exercise, and meditating to relax and put all this angst in its place. Oh…and I need to make plans to see family and friends and with gas prices going up again, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be trapped in this desert all summer with no relief.

And then there’s this blog. What happened? When I told myself that I had to write SOMETHING every day, I did, without trouble really. Sure, they weren’t all brilliant, but they were there. It made me feel good to get that done, see the writing streak grow, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I’m not building anything. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore, or maybe I never did.

So here I sit…still wondering what to do. All these words and I haven’t even gotten to what I came to write about today in the first place.

I have an idea. A restart. Today, I’ll share these thoughts, set my books aside and clean the house up, go to the grocery store, make dinner, and then enjoy my evening. Tomorrow morning, I’ll add “write and post” back into my morning routine. It means more to me than anything else, even if it just goes on forever just the way it is. Letting it go is feeling overwhelming nasty and poisonous in my heart.

See you tomorrow. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. The gods have spoken!

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