Roadrunner Musings

Wandering with my eyes and heart open, searching for pieces to add to my own personal big picture.

Tag: meditation Page 1 of 4

Calming the Surface: Meditation Practice

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On September 10, 2022

In Book Quote Commentary

I write a lot about my meditation practice, and I probably talk a lot about it too, but I’m learning so much. I can’t help but share.

meditation practice

My beef with meditation in the past was I felt it wasn’t working. I’d sit and focus on my breath for ten minutes every morning. So what? I’m calm for those ten minutes, and then go into the rest of my day only to lose that calm almost immediately.

Ten minutes of exercise, while a good start and better than nothing, isn’t going to make anyone strong.

I increased my time to twenty minutes, made a point of doing it daily without exception, and made some progress. My mornings started with more calm, but by the afternoon…ugg…

I started an afternoon practice. Thirty minutes before my husband stops working, I sit in meditation and then journal. It helped smooth my evenings.

But what the heck? The only way to remain calm is to be in retreat from the world and spend more and more time in silent meditation? That doesn’t seem like living. I can’t wall myself off from the world.

I kept meditating and reading, studying, trying to learn more. There has to be more. And then I find this:

“…there are two streams of meditation practice within Buddhism. Their Sanskrit names are shamatha and vipashyana. Shamatha means “to calm the mind” whereas vipashyana means “to look into the mind.” Shamatha is usually translated into English as “calm abiding” and vipashyana as “insight.” It means seeing clearly.

There is a traditional example used to illustrate the differences between these two approaches to meditation. Imagine a lake surrounded by hills and snow-capped mountains. It is a clear mountain lake which reflects the surrounding mountains so accurately that it can be difficult to tell which image is the mountains and which just the reflection of the mountains on the lake’s surface. But when this lake becomes agitated by the elements, various things happen.

First of all, the surface of the lake breaks up so that it no longer reflects the mountains accurately. The image is still there, but it is distorted. In addition, because there are many waves and the surface is choppy, it is difficult for us to see into the lake to any depth. Not only is the surface of the water choppy, but the mud at the bottom of the lake is also stirred up. This pollutes the water, making it muddy and opaque.

This state is very much like our ordinary everyday mind, which is continually being agitated by the winds of the six senses.”

Ani Tenzin Palmo – Reflections on a Mountain Lake

The point of meditation is to calm the surface of the lake so that we can reflect the world with fewer distortions and see beneath more clearly to reach beneath and examine what we find.

This past six months, since I have increased my meditation time and made a concerted effort to keep up the practice daily, has changed things. My husband has commented on it, and so has my son. I don’t seem to react as quickly, I’m more reflective and less agitated by the little things.

I’ve found myself stopping to think when I feel something, sorting it out before I respond. I get less angry. I’m less depressed. I love myself more and I can easily extend that love to others, even those that seem to be determined to drive me crazy.

Don’t get me wrong. People still irk me with their behavior and choices, but I’m more likely to see them as beings in need of love and patience instead of enemies. Maybe not instantly, but in a reasonable amount of time before I react to them and make everything worse. This is part of the practice.

I’ve struggled with anger, depression, and stress my whole life. I’ve sought help from doctors that directed me to drugs, and therapists that seemed only to make the situation worse. I’ve lost money, time, and done damage to my body. And nothing has helped like one hour a day in mediation, reading, and journaling.

Bringing the Mental Noise Level Down

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On August 7, 2022

In Essays

This is going to sound strange because I have been posting more the past few weeks, trying to rebuild my habit of a daily post, but I just can’t seem to write anything…good lately. Not “good” as in something everyone wants to read or changes the world, but “good” as in significant to me. There have been a few fits and starts, but I feel distracted and a little bit lost and I’m starting to think part of my problem is “noise.”

If you saw how I live, you’d instantly raise your hand and ask, “What noise are you talking about, woman? The wind? An occasional truck? A loud scrub jay?”

No, not that kind of noise. The mental noise level. Thoughts and distractions. This might sound nuts, completely out of character, but I instantly bought a book called “Chatter – The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It” by Ethan Kross. That podcast interview I heard with the author last week, I couldn’t help but yell to the car, “THAT’S IT!” Charlie Brown style. It’s sitting here on my TBR shelf, on top, next up, right after I finish Joseph Conrad.

The other distraction is my phone. It sits next to me while I drink my coffee and read in the morning. I’ll admit that I have a phone problem. It’s always in my hand. Always. I don’t have social media on my phone, and I get no notifications other than direct texts. What if one of the kids needs me? What if my mom calls? What if ANYONE texts me? All great, right? But…it’s distracting at the worst moments, like right in the stream of consciousness moment. No bueno. I turn off the ringer, but then I find myself glancing over to see if the light is flashing.

Why is it that I am so hyper-focused on not missing a message? I can’t imagine a text that couldn’t wait an hour or so. If it were truly and emergency, they would call. Right?

Something similar happens when I have my laptop out to write. The blank page stares waiting for me, but it’s just too easy to open up Facebook, or check my email, or even open up WordPress and read another blog. And then my own thoughts are gone, buried way back in my mind at the very least.

This morning I wrote the first draft of this in my journal thinking this way I would have no way of being distracted. If the words slowed down, all I would be able to do is stare at the wall or out the window for a moment. It worked nicely, until my phone beeped a message to me.

I know! It’s crazy! Right?

After breakfast, I opened up Instagram for a look around and found this post from @cbmeditates and it started the wheels turning.

mental noise level
“3 things to focus on in August?” @cbmeditates

I sat with my journal a bit longer, thinking about what three things I could focus on this month that might lower my mental noise level. Here’s what I came up with.

Focus #1 – Uninterrupted Morning Hours

From now on, I keep my phone on my desk back in my office until 9am. I’ll go get it to use my yoga app and then put it right back afterwards. Out of sight, out of mind. There’s nothing going on in the world that can’t wait an hour or two.

Focus #2 – Write by Hand

My morning writing time can be done by hand in my journal. That way there are no distractions. No, “I’ll just get that link.” Or “What was that quote exactly?” When that happens, I chase rabbit-holes and end up being bombarded with other people’s thinking. An hour of sitting with a pen and a journal will help me get my own thoughts on paper first. Then later I’ll transcribe what I wrote into my laptop, adding in details and links, and looking up references as I go.

Focus #3 – Less Daily Sugar

This one isn’t a writing focus. I need less sugar in my daily diet, and that includes alcohol. I’m not a heavy drinker and I’m not a dessert fiend, but throughout the day I feel like I’m always grabbing a piece of chocolate, a coke, or a handful of something sweet. I’ve done well this week, so I want to keep going. It makes my joints less achy, and I sleep better if I stay on the low sugar side of life. I’m sweet enough, right? And I don’t need alcohol to lower my inhibitions. I do that just fine right here on paper.

Keeping my mornings low tech and free from message interruptions is going to be the hard part. There’s something weird going on there. I get the feeling I’m letting everyone down if I don’t answer my text messages almost immediately, but you know, no one else I know does that. The best my circle can do is within the hour, and that’s great. I swear it’s like a security blanket for me, but it’s not helping me right now, so it’s time to change!

I’ve put my focus goals on my calendar and at the end of the month, I’ll check in and see if I’ve had any success lowering my mental noise level.

The Pause Between Moments

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On March 3, 2022

In Essays

Even the smallest pause between moments can serve as a way to cement an event in your mind, save it for future processing, and help transition yourself to the next.

I’m sorry to leave the world of books in my posts this week, but I’m not reading nearly as much as I usually do. The world has come into my home, and in a very nice way. Isn’t that why we read, study, and practice? To use the skills we learn in the physical world?

But I do still have thoughts I want to share, so here I am. Continuing from where I was yesterday in At A Loss for Words…

A few days ago, I wrote something interesting (to me) in my journal.

“What are you afraid of? What keeps you on your toes, alert, and grasping?”

“I’m afraid that if I let go of anything, I’ll lose it.”

I was referring to the ever-constant vigil I hold over my phone and …sadly still… social media, not to mention all the projects I want to get done. If I “stop to smell the roses,” that means slow down, and slow down means I’m not being as productive as I could be.

If I don’t answer that person that texted me, will they be there later? What if they forget about me?

And then there is the world news that keeps filtering into my world. When I say to friends and family, “That’s sad, tragic, etc., but there’s nothing I can do?” I feel like a bad person, but I don’t see what I can do other than be upset about it and being upset doesn’t help anyone.

I’m struggling this week, with words, with emotions, with the world outside my home. Can you tell? Like I said, it’s happened before but this time something has changed. I don’t feel so overwhelmed. I mean, I do, but I notice it and take steps to recenter. I don’t feel like I’m drowning. I’m experiencing, reflecting, and taking notes for a time in the future I can process it all.

Earlier this week, my mom and I took some of my sons’ things down to their new apartment together. As we got in the truck to head home, I stopped to take a breath.

We’re always rushing from one thing to the next, always getting on the freeway, packing up, answering a message, calling a friend, getting lunch…on and on and on. I wanted to sit and take the moment in, but I wish I had taken a bit longer.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing it here. To move my mind back to that quiet moment and take it all in again.

That moment yesterday? I can’t get it back. Those circumstances will never occur again. My mom and I had a great conversation on the way there. Seeing my sons so excited, moving into their new place, settled for a year, so close to home this time, made my heart happy. We walked around the corner to a café and had an amazing lunch together, laughing and telling jokes, sharing stories.

pause between moments
@desertdreamer72

It just felt so good.

I needed that moment in the truck to soak it all in and remember it. I sat there, ready to make the three-hour drive home (which turned into a four- and half-hour drive because I “made a wrong turn in Albuquerque”), wanting to make it last just a few minutes longer. I took a breath, looked around, saw the street, the buildings, the flowers and the sunlight. I remember the apartment, my older son’s extra hugs, my younger looks a little stressed, probably about school. The look on their faces when they realized they’d have time to go surfing after we left. My mom’s look of love for her grandkids. I wanted more time. I wanted to cry and scream like a kid leaving Disneyland…but I can’t. I’m a grownup.

The small pause I was able to take worked. Here I am, a few days later, going back to that moment and reliving it, relating it to what I’m reading, what I’ve learned, putting it all into context. That day is now saved to my hard drive and shared with you here.

At A Loss For Words – Repost

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On March 2, 2022

In Essays

At a loss for words this morning. Don’t laugh. It happens, even to me. So, I thought I’d search through my old blog and see where I’ve been.

The following post was entitled “Involvement” and was posted back in January 2017. It’s one of those posts or journal entries that makes me wonder if anything ever really changes.

Sometimes I feel as if the world is running around me in madness. If I “stop to smell the roses”, if I turn my focus inward, if I live to make my family’s life more pleasant, am I neglecting the good I could be doing outside my home? Is there something else I could be offering? In my heart, I know the answer is no. But sometimes the pace and frantic call of the world around me unsettles my soul. And to them, I only want to say, “Stop. Read. Write. Reflect.”

We should take care of ourselves and the people around us. Be kind and spread that love to others. Peace will spread even though we do not actually attempt to “end evil”. To pursue that is futile.

loss for words
@desertdreamer72

I don’t need to be directly involved with “them”, “him”, or “others”. My influence is felt through my kindness to those nearest me and continues to spread when others do the same.

Some things change and some don’t. I know why I’m at a loss for words today, I’m feeling rushed. I’ve written a long crazy rant that I want to share with you but it needs more time. For now, I’ll leave you here with this:

This moment where we are right now will never return. We will never be here again. Take a breath, really see it, take it all in.

I Have a NEW Drive Time Mantra!

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On February 22, 2022

In Creative Nonfiction

That’s right! My impromptu adventures led a new drive time mantra right to my brain. Like lightning…just struck my head.

So…I had this wild idea yesterday.

“I’ll just run down to In-And-Out and have lunch with a friend!”

Doesn’t seem that wild, right? But there are extenuating circumstances. The first of which is that there isn’t such a burger joint in my town. The second being that my friend lives in the next county.

Yeah, those are my kind of people! People that text, “What are you doing?” and when I answer, “Nothing really.”

“Want to go to lunch and visit?”

“Hell, yes!”

I found a place roughly halfway between us and hit the road only to be stopped dead in my tracks when I reached the freeway, thirty minutes into my one-hour drive.

Now, I knew it was President’s Day and that the great return migration of desert campers and off-roaders to Los Angeles and Orange County would be shifted from Sunday to Monday, and I believed I had taken that into account when I checked the map and drive time. But someone miles away had to mess it up and have a bit of an accident after I started my drive and the traffic backed up considerably behind them.

Technology to the rescue!

Every time someone complains about technology, especially smart phones, ruining society, I want to smack them upside the head.

My map app alerted me to the delay. I do wish it would say WHICH lane was closed, but it was better than nothing. I also could see from the screen where the traffic let up. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. With a press of a button, I was able to call and let my friend know approximately how late I was going to be. Stress, relieved.

But there I sat, solidly, waiting for the third cycle of the traffic signal before I could start inching my way onto the freeway. The wind blowing through the pass rocked my car so hard, I was slightly concerned that I might end up a red metal and plastic tumbleweed. I said a quick prayer to the travel gods for the VW bus I passed a few minutes earlier. I have driven this road in the wind in my own VW bus. It was not pleasant.

I’m at the front of the intersection when the light turns green, but there is nowhere for me to go. There are still cars backed up in their own attempt to merge. I wait for a moment to be sure I won’t block the intersection when I hear honking from behind me.

Ok…now I could understand this behavior if I were in a big truck and the car behind me couldn’t see over or around me. Maybe they think I fell asleep or that I was busy on my phone. This time, no. I’m in my mother-in-law’s car, low to the ground and the truck behind me has a clear view of the situation in front of us.

I ignore him and wait another moment. When the traffic ahead moves, I move with it. The angry man behind me, whips around me into the right lane, passes me and promptly stops in that lane two cars ahead. I smile. “Surprise!”

A few minutes later, he and several other people are trying to merge back into the left lane with us, the lane that goes west, the direction all these other poor people are trying to go in. I let a car in ahead of me and keep inching along.

The scene in front of me is familiar. I drive this stretch often. The wind turbines, San Jacinto Mountains, the sand blowing in the high winds of the winter storm that is coming east are all so beautiful. Because I’m stopped here, slowing making my way onto the freeway instead of gaining speed and merging through the slower trucks heading uphill and into the wind like I usually am, I can take a breath and really look at it all.

That’s when I noticed the clouds spilling over the mountain top and gasp. Holy…wow…

I see this happen often. Those mountains are so tall that they block storms coming off the ocean most of the year. That’s part of why our side is a desert. But it’s not every day I can just sit and watch it happen. The clouds tumbled and spilled over the crest and dissipated in the high winds whipping through the rocky passes.

I grabbed my camera and took a picture. Thanks again, technology!

The rest of the drive was typical. People not letting cars merge in, people not understanding that they had to merge, drivers honking at each other. You can feel the tension. One RV pulling a trailer of quads and dirt bikes wouldn’t let me on to the freeway. I shook my head a smiled.

“Man…that’s some bad karma you’re putting out there, dude.”

I waited till he inched past and the got behind him, in front of a nice trucker that probably understands that you let people in so that you get let in. It’s the way of the road. Don’t be a dick.

That’s when my new mantra dawned on me.

drive time mantra
“We’re all going to get there eventually.
Let’s not make the journey suck!”

I want it on a bumper sticker or stenciled across the back of my truck.

It’s not only a great slogan for California traffic and long vacation drives. It works for life in general. Guess where we’re all going? Death. We’ll get there, each and every one of us, in our own time. Traffic might slow us down. There may be accidents, gas stations, and roadside attractions, but we’ll ALL get there.

Why should we make the getting there suck with impatience, anger, and greed? Why not sit back, look around, and take it all in?

That’s exactly what I did yesterday. I was frustrated that my one-hour drive would now take two. Other driver’s impatience bugged me. Inconsiderate people…ugg. Typically, I use being secluded in the safety of my car as an excuse to yell back at them, shake my fist…or worse, maybe assert my own dominance on the road.

This time was different. I took deep breaths, wished those poor drivers well, hoped they didn’t have little kids bouncing off the walls inside, and took a closer look at the beauty of the landscape around me. And when I arrived at my destination, I was relaxed and ready to enjoy my visit.

Today, I’m searching the internet for a way to make bumper stickers. I’ll be rich!

Want to read more drive time thoughts? Click over to True Nature, Driving, and New Podcasts! Man, I spend a lot of time on the road.

Can We Stop “Selfing” For A Moment?

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On February 20, 2022

In Book Quote Commentary

What does “selfing” mean?  In the book he says, “there is not absolute separate “self” in the first place, just the process of continual self-construction or “selfing.”

selfing
@desertdreamer72

“If we could only recognize the process of selfing as an ingrained habit and then give ourselves permission to take the day off, to stop trying so hard to be “somebody” and instead just experience being, perhaps we would be a lot happier and more relaxed.” From Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Continual self-construction. This is who am, not this. That is who am. I don’t know about you, but I have struggled with that most of my life. My awareness of it started in high school when I wasn’t part of any social group. I had a few friends in the theater, in band, in sports, and in classes. But who were my people? A remember a girl, one in the 90’s we called “goth,” telling me the reason why she liked me. I didn’t dress like them or act like them, I simply hung out with them at lunch sometimes, talking about the darker side of life. I didn’t seem to need to blend in and become them.

That was a rare moment that I felt accepted just as I was. And strange, I can’t remember her name, just her words and that feeling.

It was the same at university, at work, and then once I was married with children, it happened again. Moms have cliques. Did you know that? Stay-at-home moms, working moms, single moms, attachment parents, cry-it-out parents, vegan, organic, eat whatever you want please just leave me alone for a moment moms. The list goes on and on. They separate out into smaller and smaller playgroups, and I was a little bit of all of them.

When we decided to homeschool…oh man. The separating into those like me and not like me exploded. There I was again, not exactly like any one group. On the outside again.

Religion, politics, health, etc. I don’t seem to fit into any group completely. Does anyone?

It’s all based on this continual self-construction idea. We let words and ideas define who we are and how we should react to the world around us. We separate into camps and put up barriers between them.

What if we didn’t? What if we took a break from being “somebody” and just experienced being right in this very moment, with these very people? If we did it successfully for several days in a row, we’d probably never go back.

That’s what I’m doing today. I’m nobody. Each experience that comes across my path today, I will greet and embrace with curiosity and a smile. It does not add or subtract from my being. It only exists, as I do. It feels incredibly freeing to let go of labels and titles.

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

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On February 15, 2022

In Book Quote Commentary

“Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last…”

Can you hear that song? It’s one of my personal theme songs.

I’m slowly making my way through Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn and loving it. Each morning, I sit and read a couple chapters, maybe ten to fifteen minutes, and then I sit in meditation for another fifteen minutes. I really think it’s helping me move into my mediation practice more smoothly and I’m becoming more aware of what’s happening while I’m sitting.

slow down
@desertdreamer72

From this morning’s read, I have two quotes to share with you.

“If you find yourself rushing or becoming impatient, slowing down the pace can help take the edge off your rushing and remind you that you are here now. If you miss the here, you are likely to miss the there.” From Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

This was from the chapter on walking meditation, where you focus on your step, your balance, your breathing, most likely walking in an area where it doesn’t matter where you go, like a labyrinth or garden. He also says you can do an informal walking meditation anywhere, like the grocery store. Feeling rushed? Take a moment to focus on your body while you walk. The world flows right past you.

It seems like the opposite of what you should do if you’re feeling impatient, to slow down. Isn’t that what you’re impatient about? But then I remembered how many times I’ve felt rushed and panicked, when I suddenly realized I was hungry or had to go to the bathroom. I had lost touch with my own body. Slowing down, in this case unintentionally and for a split second, brought my body back into focus and showed me my needs so I could take care of them. What could happen if I slowed down on purpose?

Here’s another quote, this time from a chapter on loving-kindness, a practice I usually scoff at.

“Being whole and simultaneously part of a larger whole, we can change the world simply by changing ourselves.” From Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

@desertdreaner72

I’m picturing water molecules, heated up from below on a flame or from above by the sun. One molecule warms and starts to vibrate, warming the molecule next to it, and then the next, until all of them are bouncing around together, slamming against each other until the boiling water turns to gas and disperses into the air.

We are those molecules. If I calm myself, work on my personal mental, physical, and financial health, I have a positive effect on the people around me. They in turn have more space to work on theirs, because they aren’t defending themselves against me.

At the post office, on the road, or on social media, my hope is that I’m spreading the virus of peace and joy I’ve been infected with out into those spaces. The people I meet won’t catch anger and stress from me. Instead of heating up in the world, I hope to cool the space around me, not to a solid but a nice warm liquid that is easily moved and shaped. Maybe it will catch on and spread, maybe not. But my life will be better for trying. I’d like to see that kind of “contact tracing.”

I’m really enjoying this book. I think I’ll keep reading it at this pace and probably use it as a regular way to step into my everyday meditation practice from now on.

Valentine’s Day Thoughts

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On February 14, 2022

In Book Quote Commentary, Essays

It’s Valentine’s Day so, of course I need to post something about love. Right?

A letter, a poem, what? Reflections? I’m still thinking as I type.

Valentine's Day
I found this expression on a mountain trail.

I woke up this morning feeling full of love and excitement for the day to start, not because it’s Valentine’s Day, but because I am in love with life. Cliché and silly, but exactly how I feel. There are so many people to meet, so much to feel and experience, and so little time. It’s Monday and I had a beautiful weekend. Today, my husband works in his office all morning. There’s nothing I need to do, no place to go, no one to take care of but myself.  

That doesn’t mean that I’ll sit on the couch all day. I’m far too much of a squirrel for that. I’ve already read, done my yoga and meditation practice, posted on Instagram, and read some more. I’m writing now, will probably have breakfast, then share these thoughts with you. The rest of the day will be filled with household chores, conversations and plan making with a few friends and family, and I need to get out and paint the trim on the new shed.

It’s all just as I would wish it to be, for the most part, and nothing like I thought my life would ever be. I’m happy, satisfied, not grasping at a better life, a better feeling, more of anything. It’s a high I’ve chased before and for a moment, I have it. But will I grasp it so tightly in my hands that I smother it? Once it starts to wriggle free, as it inevitably will, will I crush it trying to keep it close? I don’t think I will, not this time.

What’s different?

For the first time I can remember I know that I’m happy and I know why, and I’m aware that things will change. The seasons will change around me, the ground will shift, the sky will cloud up and get dark.

What changed?

I’m not sure. Somewhere along the way it dawned on me that we are all only here for a short time, and every single thing changes, no one escapes alive. People come in and out of our lives. Our hormones and brains change our feelings and thoughts day and day out.

And I’m starting to really love and trust myself. I’m not feeling so insecure about myself, who I am and what I like. My only regret right now is that I didn’t learn earlier that to really love others and feel the security of being loved, I had to love myself. I’ve always had a hard time accepting who I am and how I feel.

Valentine's Day
Enjoying the view from the top of the mountain.

This morning, reading a few pages of Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, I found this:

“The weather of our own lives is not to be ignored or denied. It is to be encountered, honored, felt, known for what it is, and held in high awareness since it can kill us. In holding it this way, we come to know a deeper silence and stillness and wisdom than we may have thought possible, right with the storms. Mountains have this to teach us, and more, if we can listen.”

The weather right now is pleasant, so I’m sowing seeds and growing the crops, taking it all in and experiencing it to the fullest, not in fear of the future but in preparation for change. I love his mountain analogy. I’m being the mountain in some ways. I’m here, doing what I do, and watching the world swirl around me. It will no matter what I do. I may as well enjoy the show.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Love on your fine selves a bit. You’re awesome and you’ve come so far!

Wherever You Go There You Are: New Read

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On February 9, 2022

In New Reads

A few months ago, I gave up the daily guided meditation apps that I started with years ago, for a simple timed with bells one I found at Plum Village. I’m enjoying it but have been thinking it would be nice to have something to read and focus to, reminders maybe. When Book and Beers on Instagram shared Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, I ordered it on the spot.

wherever you go there you are
Strange place to leave a book I’m told.

When it arrived in my mailbox, I opened it up to the first page to find,

“Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right now, that’s what’s on your mind. Whatever happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it? In other words, “Now what?””

I immediately took a picture and sent it to my youngest son.

And now here I am reading two books at the same time again! It’s ok though. This one is for those small moments between things throughout the day. Instead of picking up my phone and playing a game, I can pick this up, read a page, meditate on the thought and move on with my day.

Here’s my favorite quote from this morning.

“Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”

https://www.instagram.com/desertdreamer72/

LAO-TZU, Tao-te-Ching

Often in my life I have found myself struggling to find my way, to get out of a situation, push away an undesired feeling, or simply find my peace. Imagine looking for something at the bottom of a slow-moving creek. The more you move around, the more you kick up the sand and mud at the bottom, the less you can see. Hold still. Wait. Then move slowly. Meditation teaches us to do this, even when we’re on the verge of panic.

I love my morning meditations. I tend to skip them for long periods of time only to find out how much I need the practice in my life. Check out another of my random mediation posts, Morning Meditation – A Break.

Thought Wrangling: A Podcast Roundup

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On January 27, 2022

In Podcast Roundup

Thought wrangling is the gathering of individual thoughts and ideas to see what they’re trying to tell you, instead of running away and hiding from them.

This isn’t so much of a podcast roundup as it is a summary of one particular listening session. I’m calling it a podcast roundup because it was my weekly drive day, but instead of listening to several podcast episodes, I decided to play the recording of Cory Muscara’s Masterclass on Working with Thoughts.

I was heading out the door to run some errands, after looking back at least three pages of my journal filled with negativity and self-chastisement. “That is just about enough.” I told myself as I dried my tears and grabbed my keys. That’s when I received the text about the class. I read “how to work with difficult and ruminative thoughts, as well as how to cultivate optimistic, supportive, wholesome thoughts” and clicked “buy” as I walked out the door.

Sometimes things do come into your path right when you need them. The elements of the earth moving into a pattern for the perfect storm.

I have a recurring problem. I’m not my biggest fan. When I look back at my journals, I can see what happens and when, the aftermath of anger and resentment, fear. But how do I find the triggers and avoid them? How do I stop losing my shit at myself?

I knew I’d be out all day and I wouldn’t be able to listen in on the live event, but it was being recorded and I could play it back another day, so paid the $25 and set it aside…for two weeks. Yesterday, I remembered to play it.

Here are my highlight takeaways:

We have a body and a mind. They are partners in this life, and we need to respect each other. If the body is tired, hurting, sick, give it some time to recover without yelling at it.

This is something I know I’m better at today than I have in the past, but I’m still working on it. It goes both ways. Sometimes it’s my body failing my mind, and sometime my mind fails my body. My body says, “I have energy! Let’s do something!” and my mind says, “What’s the freakin’ point? Let’s eat cookies.” My mind says, “We should call a friend and go for a long walk!” and my body says “Yeah, no. I’m tired and my hip hurts.”

What can I do? Compromise and be kind to myself. Sounds crazy but it does work.

Is your life in alignment?

That sounds so cliché. In alignment with what?

Recently I discovered a pattern to my some of my behavior. I tend to want to make people happy. I go with what they want to do or be, and then I’m unhappy, blame it on them for being jerks and making me do whatever, and then slam the door on them. No one made me do anything. They asked if I wanted to, I was afraid to say no, and then all hell broke loose.

I’m not in alignment with who I really am. I’m afraid most of the time that if I really show people who I am, they won’t like me, so I don’t…and then I don’t like me, which is far worse.

The times I get stuck in negative thought loops are when I’m struggling with being “good” instead of “authentic.”

In comes the “thought wrangling.” Negative thoughts could just be an indicator that I’m out of alignment somewhere. What if I heard them out instead of judged myself for having them? Here’s a crazy thought…remember that scene in Legend when Lili is tempted by darkness, the dress, and dances with it? That’s what I imagine acknowledging thoughts to be like.

There it is, that thought, and you’re afraid of it, terrified. It means you screwed up again, or you’re about to. No one can trust you, not even yourself. You’re a mess. So, you run and push it away, but it’s still there trying to tell you something.

Instead, see it, dance with it, get to know it. You don’t have to embrace it as reality, act on it, make any decisions, just because you acknowledge its presence. You’re only dancing, not committing. See what it has to say, allow it some space, and then choose what to do with it.

Terrifying, isn’t it? But powerful.

A thought can keep you from real feeling.

I am terrible at real feelings. Approaching how I feel directly feels so ugly. You should just know what my feelings are without my needing to express them thoughtfully. I’m not sure where I got that idea, but I’m working on changing it. The meditation that Cory led us through in the masterclass helps us practice letting a thought in and not running with it so that we can get closer to the feeling and deal with it.

A perfect example would be the “disagreement” my husband and I had last week. We went to Home Depot. I was in a great mood, feeling a bit crazy and wild with excitement, a little silly, and he was focused on getting the things he needed to finish our entryway remodel. I reached for him to reassure me that it was ok to be a bit childish and he turned to look at baseboards.

thought wrangling at the home depot
These are a few of my favorite things!

I was crushed. The thought, “I’m bad, I’m distracting, I’m not helping,” washed over me and I couldn’t let it go. I left to go look at plants and recover myself. In my head I was thinking I’d go give myself a timeout and behave because he didn’t like me. I found out later that he was completely confused. Those weren’t his thoughts at all. He was just thinking about baseboards. There was a big wall between us for nearly 24 hours because I couldn’t simply face a feeling and express it to find out what was really going on.

What could I have done, knowing what I know now? I could have looked at the thought. “Oh, there’s that thought again. How are you doing self-consciousness?” I could have taken a quick break and then told him that I got my feelings hurt and needed a hug, because in my heart I know he loves the crazy part of me. He just gets hyper-focused, and the world isn’t always about me. I’m still thinking how I could have done things differently.

How was I unaligned at that moment? I was happy and feeling wild, and I assumed that his reaction told me that wasn’t what he wanted from me. I immediately went to change me…right now…quick before he doesn’t like you! Crazy making.

So much to work on and so little time, but really think I’m at the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. A while back, I mentioned Jared Diamond had said their 60’s and 70’s were their best years. I can see why.

The masterclass recording was a little over two hours long, and there are pages of written resources for me to read. I’m making a few meditation notecards to remind me of the practice he introduced at the beginning of the class. I think it was $25 well spent, don’t you?

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